Desert or Dessert?
by Endless Song
Summary: What happens when Zell gets lost in the desert oneshot


Disclaimer: The Final Fantasy VII world and characters do not belong to me, please don't sue! I'm just a poor college student with too much time on their hands.

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Sand. Lots and lots of sand. And we can't forget about the heat. That unbearably hot heat. It was so hot that even the boy with the tattoo on his face's odd hair could fall limp. And that was a very rare occasion indeed.

Zell Dincht sat in the middle of the desert. Hot and in extreme need of water... and worst of all... lost. Honestly, he didn't even know there was a desert at all in this area. I guess that's what he gets for following the directions on Selphie's map... that were written on a napkin... with an orange highlighter...

So, there Zell was, sweating horrible and resting in the only shade he could find. This shade was from a cactus... actually, three of them. All lined up in a row. Something Zell found odd, but didn't care, because they offered him the coolest spot in the entire desert. They also kind of looked like they just might have had arms and legs and... running? Odd, but then again it could have been the extreme heat and lack of water speaking.

The blonde fighter started to wonder how his friends back at Balamb were doing... probably great, as they weren't out in the middle of the desert dying from extreme heat. What would they do in this situation? Squall would probably act like it was no big deal, even if he was entirely alone, though on the inside he'd be whining how hot it was and how it would be great if someone would find him... then remember that he shouldn't rely on others like that, because it _is_ every man for himself. Quistis... well, she wouldn't have followed Selphie's dumb directions to begin with and probably would have gotten a _real_ map. Quistis was always smart that way, probably why she was instructor and he wasn't. Selphie wouldn't be in this mess at all because it was her directions... and if she was, she'd probably like it and dance around happily in the sand thinking about love, peace and blowing things up... Selphie was always an odd one (though Zell had no room to talk, seeing as how his hair naturally defied gravity and he had a tattoo on his face).Rinoa would probably whine and cry and wish Squall would come save her from the unbearable heat... that is, of course, assuming she didn't make the gunblader go with her in the first place. Irvine... would be sleeping... and probably not even in the shade... of three cactuses.

Speaking of those cactuses... Zell could have sworn they just moved... and made a sound... Nah, it definitely had to be the heat speaking. At least... that's what he thought until the cactuses shot 3,000 needles (1,000 each) at him and ran away... Damn, there went his shade...

If Zell ever wanted to survive, he needed to get moving... and find himself a potion, as he only had 500 hp left because of those damn moving cactuses... He probably should have paid just a little more attention during Quistis's lectures, he thought to himself as he got up from the place those damn evil cactuars had currently been providing him shade. He brushed sand off himself... though he could have sworn some found its way into his underwear somehow.

He moved quite slowly, as it was hot and quite hard to move in squishy sand. As the need for water increased, Zell whooped for joy as he saw he was finally nearing something! Ignoring how hot it was, he rushed on ahead to the whatever it was, kicking sand behind his feet in the process (and probably getting more in his underpants). As he got closer he saw that it was... an ice cream stand? In the middle of the desert? Now Zell was _sure_ it was the heat talking. Nevertheless, he continued to run to it... you know... just incase it _wasn't_ all in his mind.

As he neared, the fighter saw that, sure enough, it _was_ an ice cream stand and he _wasn't_ going crazy. Except... at the ice cream stand was the one person he didn't expect to see. Standing behind the stand of cold goodness stood Seifer, with a white apron and a little white hat... and a smirk. Oh how Zell would never be able to forget Seifer's smirk.

"What'll it be, Chicken Wuss?"

"I AM NOT A CHICKEN WUSS!" the fighter bellowed in his fury, hands balled up into fists, ready to hit Seifer.

Seifer's smirk got even scarier, "Fine, I won't give you any ice cream... which I guess is just too bad for you, since this stand happens to carry hot dog flavored."

As if on cue, Zell perked up, "Did you say hot dog?"

Seifer didn't answer, instead he got out a ice cream cone and put two scoops of ice cream on it and held it out to Zell. Sure enough, the ice cream had little hotdog chunks in it. Zell started to salivate.

The fighter, sure that Seifer was handing the ice cream to him, tried to take it, only for it to be pulled away from him. The look on Zell's face was one of a puppy who had been kicked by his master.

The "ice cream man" wagged his finger at Zell, "Ah, ah, no grabbing." Clearly... he was enjoying this...

He held the ice cream out for Zell again, "Lick."

Zell's jumped back in surprise, "What?"

"Lick," Seifer repeated, waving the ice cream cone, taunting the poor fighter.

"No way!"

"I guess that's too bad for you, it's all mine now." Seifer slowly moved the ice cream towards his own mouth. Oh yes, he was enjoying this _way_ too much. As predicted, Zell's eyes widened "Wait! No! I want it!"

Seifer held out the cone again, "Then lick."

Zell gulped and took a step foreword. Here he was... in the middle of the desert, hot, sweaty and with sand stuck in his underwear... and Seifer was about to feed him ice cream. He stuck out his tongue, about to take a lick of the ice cream...

And there was a sudden sharp jab in his side. Zell tried to ignore this, almost about to finally have his wonderful hot dog ice cream... being fed to him... by Seifer... ... ... Only there was that sharp jab again. And then a hissing sound, which sounded almost like, "Zell, wake up," followed by another jab.

Zell slowly opened his eyes, to see his head was on a desk and there was a small puddle of drool. He felt another jab in his side and he lifted his head to see Selphie sitting next to him... She motioned her head to the side, causing Zell to blink and look around. He was being stared at, though couldn't exactly figure out why... till Selphie pointed. Standing there in front of his desk was Quistis, arms folded and giving him a death glare. "Now that you've finally come back to us, Zell, how about answering the question I had been trying to ask you, only to discover you sleeping."

Zell gulped, Quistis could be scary when she was angry... she didn't even give mercy to her friend's. "Yeah, Instructor?"

"What's the name of a Cactuars attack?"

"I know that!" he said, giving a victory pose, "1,000 Needles!"

From the back of the classroom, Zell heard someone say, "And here I was thinking the Chicken'd say 1,000 hotdogs." The fighter didn't even have to turn around to see who had said it. He could feel his face burn with embarrassment, though not from what the sarcastic gunblader just said... but because... _I can't believe I almost let him feed me ice cream..._


End file.
